Back in 1993 I took an inductive bible study class.  One of the assignments was to write an Epistle, styled after the epistles that the Apostle Paul wrote.  Well, not one to miss a chance at having a little fun, I decided to write a smart alec joke of an epistle, aimed at a certain group of men on Multnomah’s campus who vowed to stay single and avoid dating and the like.  Funny terms for these guys were “Bachelor to the Rapture” and “C.I.A. – Celibates In Action.”  These guys were perfect fuel for my comedic sarcasm.

So, without further ado, here is my epistle to single men:

Brett, a student at Multnomah by the will of God.

To all unattached men, those faithful to the single life, dedicated
bachelors to the rapture.

Grace and peace to you from the Lord Jesus Christ.
I thank God when I hear of your dedication to the single life, how
you have persevered in keeping women out of your life, not getting
entangled by their evil desires.

For their ways are mysterious and their devices clever, constantly
seeking to entangle us like a fly in a spiders web.  They put on make
up, arrange their hair, wear perfume, fancy jewelry and nice clothes all in the hope of securing for themselves a husband.  Like a lion on the prowl they are constantly seeking whomever they can devour.  And once they have a man slowly they begin draining his savings account and his mind.   Losing the ability to think independantly from the woman, the man begins to get wishy washy, walking around in a cloud of confusion, thinking of nothing but the woman who is enslaving him.  Some of you once lived like this, but you have been set free, redeemed from the curse of woman, called to live a holy and single life.

Therefore, brothers, I urge you in view of God’s mercy to offer yourselves as single bachelors, holy and free to God.  This is your intelligent act of worship.  Keep your mind focused on things above, avoiding evil desires of dating and marriage which you once pursued while you were still enslaved to the expectations of your peers and those in the church.   Remember Paul’s words, “It is good for a man not to marry.”  Don’t become slaves again to the evil desires of women but live your lives in freedom to the Lord.

After classes tomorrow I will come to you in the men’s dorm, for I shall
soon be going to work.  I hope not to make a passing visit but to spend
some quality time with you in male bonding.

Greet all the brothers and single men in the dorm, and give them a holy
high five for me.

May the grace of the Lord keep you unattached for life.